Cullen Season
by Ali Wolfe
Summary: a hybrid story consisting of chats, wally-world pranks, etc. read, and review to tell me just the -im-perfection. Disclaimer: I does not own Twilight to reassure u doubters.
1. Usernames!

'kay guys, i KNO this is not the first of its kind, but it's my first fanfic, so humor me here—take it easy with the reviews, and by that I beg of u, "REVIEW!!"

Disclaimer: do you really think that if I were Stephenie Meyer, I would write my precious, million-dollar-stories here? No, I'm not Meyer Edward, Alice, Bella...they're not mine. They belong to her. Am I clear enough? Gotcha.

Edward: Lionheartlamb

Bella: Lambheartlion

Alice: Fortuneshopper

Jasper: Jazzper

Emmett: Itsnotfluffitsmuscle

Rosalie: Rosepetals

Carlisle: Dr.fang

Esme: Mommamia

'kay? Next page is the first chapter of this fanfic in chat form.


	2. Relationship problems

**Disclaimer: me is not meyer. me no own twilight. capiche?**

**Here's chapter one hope u like it. whether ya do or ya don't, review.**

Lionheartlamb has logged on

Lambheartlion has logged on

Lionheartlamb: Hey Bells

Lambheartlion: Hi Edward!

Lionheartlamb: these are cute usernames, eh?

Lambhertlion: er...sure? u came up w/ them.

Lionheartlamb: wuts tht supposed 2 mean?

Itsnotfluffitsmuscle has logged on

Lionheartlamb: great(sarcasm)

Itsnotfluffitsmuscle: HOWDY, YA'LL!!

Lambheartlion: er.. lemme guess...Emmett.

Itsnotfluffitsmuscle: ROOTIN TOOTIN!!

Lambheartlion:...

Lionheartlamb: no, don't put the hat...on...-sigh-

Itsnotfluffitsmuscle: YEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!!

Lambheartlion: eep...!

Lionheartlamb: now look...see? You scared Bella. Put the cowboy hat away...no away. Good boy...put the rope down...GAH! Forget it! It's like talkin to a monkey!!

Lambheartlion:...

Itsnotfluffitsmuscle: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME??

Lionheartlamb: THAT'S RIGHT! YOU HEARD ME! A BIG STUPID MONKEY NAMED EMMETT!! **(HEY! what d'you know!)**

Itsnotfluffitsmuscle: WHY I OUTTA...!

Lionheartlamb: WHY I OUTTA...!

Itsnotfluffitsmuscle: DID YOU JUST _MOCK_ ME?! DID _YOU_ JUST MOCK _ME?!_

Lionheartlamb: I THINK I JUST _DID_!

Itsnotfluffitsmuscle: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Itsnotfluffitsmuscle has logged off

Lionheartlamb: Uh-oh...

Lionheartlamb has logged of

Lambheartlion: -shock-

Lambheartlion:uh...guys?

Lambheartlion:HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO??

Lambheartlion: crap. -sigh- I don't feel hearted. -pouts-

Lambheartlion has logged off

Jazzper has logged on

Jazzper: Hello? is anyone there?

**no answer.**

Jazzper: Haha! Now to create a story of my own! One of such magnificence, no one can withstand its beauty!!

Jazzper:(medieval music comes on)

Jazzper: La Laaa Lala Lala Lalala dumdumdum. cute lyrics are added to the cute tune.

Jazzper: camera focuses on a small girl with short, spiky black hair...maybe ya know her...? In a forest with a cute little sundress on, carrying a basket full of apples.

Jazzper: A knight with shining white armor rides up to her on a stallion so beautiful, Gamdalf's could not compare. **(Jasper, you poor, poor freakish dork...no offence.)** He stops beside the helpless, cute little girl and holds his hand out to her.

Jazzper: "Come with me, fair maiden, and all shall be well for the rest of eternity! Literally!!" he says. With his free hand, he throws his helmet open with a dramatic gesture to reveal an amazingly handsome young chap with yellow hair. He smiles at her to reveal two rows of dazzlingly white, straight, and shiny teeth.

Jazzper: the fair maid is breathless. she clasps her hands together at her chest with a delighted gasp.

Jazzper: "My hero!" she says with glee.

Fortuneshopper has logged on.

Jazzper: **(unaware his wife was right there.)** He takes her tiny little hand and, with ease, the handsome blond lad helps her onto the horse behind his armored back. "Do not fear these dark woods, fair maiden! They shall never harm thee!!

Fortuneshopper:...

Jazzper:...

Fortuneshopper: I'm speechless...

Jazzper: when did u get here, fa--

Fortuneshopper: just before you help me on the horse. or...was tht another girl? HMM?

Jazzper:-sigh- it was you, babe.

Fortuneshopper: How long?

Jazzper: How long wht?

Fortuneshopper: how long hav u bin cheating on me?

Jazzper: Alice, I'm not.

Fortuneshopper: LIAR!! YOU ASSHOLE!! _NO ONE_ CHEATS ON ME!!_ NO ONE!!_

Fortuneshopper has logged off

Jazzper: Alice--no...wait...dammit.

Jazzper has logged off

**shya like? whether ya do or ya don't, REVIEW!!**

**Else face the wrath of...dun dun DUUUUUNNN...COWBOY FLUFF-MAN!!**


	3. staring contest

**'kay guys, you sadden me. 73 hits. no reviews no favs. but wutev. i hav some ideas stored up for ya. hopefully you'll find at least one funny.**

**disclaimer: I don't own twilight**

**nuff said**

Jazzper has logged on.

Depressedluver has logged on.

Jazzper: who is this?

Depressedluver: Bella. Jee, ur nice!

Jazzper: sorry. Alice thinks im cheating on her.

Depressedluver: o. wel edward ditched me.

Jazzper: so thats wuts wit the name?

Depressedluver: yup

Jazzper: aww.

Depressedluver: do u wanna hav a staring contest?

Jazzper: ?? Er...sure?

Depressedluver: YAAAAAY!!

Depressedluver has logged off.

Jazzper: This may take a while.

Jazzper has logged off.

**I refuse to do the chapter i had originally planned to do next until someone reviews nicely.**

**note: in this story, bella is a vampire. renesmee just doesn't hav a username yet. **

**I need reviews!! I need ideas!! help me, ppl!! pwweeeeeease??**


	4. Esme's blond joke

**Hey again guys. So here's sort of a chapter two to the add-on. I showed it to three friends who all laughed, though they all have agreed it's not my best, but here it is.**

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer.**

**Again...nuff said.**

Dr.fang has logged in.

Mommamia has logged in

Rodepetals has logged in.

Mommamia: Wht are Bella and Jasper doing? They've been staring into each other's eyes for the past six hours.

Rosepetals: Staring contest

Dr.fang: This...may take a while.

Mommamia: yup. Hey, Rose. A brunette, a redhead, and a blond were packing parachutes to go skydiving.

Rosepetals: Esme. No. You're really bad at this.

Mommamia: When the each pull the cord, the brunette's had cute little triangles all over it.

Rosepetals: skydivng blond jokes r never funny...did u just say cute_ triangles?_??

Mommamia: the redhead's had cute flowers all over it.

Rosepetals: God. Here we go.

Mommamia: The blond's had cute heart-shaped cut-outs all over it.

Dr.fang: -chuckles-

Rosepetals: Esme, u should be ashamed of yourself!!

_Suddenly:_

"_YOU BLINKED!! I WIN!!" Bella._

"_DID NOT!!"Jasper._

"_DID TOO!!"_

"_DID NOT!!"_

"_DID TOO!!"_

"_DID NOT!!"_

"_DID TOO!!"_

"_SHUT UP!!" Emmett._

"_HA!!" Bella exclaimed in triumph._

Mommamia: ...

Rosepetals: -rolls eyes-

Dr.fang: -sigh-

**Is it okay? What do you think?**

**REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!**

**If u don't review, Rosalie will hunt u down in the middle of the night. (jk. don't kill me for kidding around!!)**


	5. a stupid author's note

**This...is a stupid authors note(don't hate me!) **

**I need ideas. All of my friends are stubbornly and deliberately uncreative--they wouldn't even try!! -sigh- so yeah, im asking for your help.**

**thx,**

**ur buddy, **

**Alice.**

**Literally.**

**my name's Alice.**

**WOOT!  
**


	6. Bella's way to make up

**Disclaimer: here is to disclaim the disclaimer inventor tht tells ppl to disclaim the books they don't want to disclaim, and thus breaking the hearts of millions by reminding them they hav to disclaim their fav books. :(**

**yea, ANYWAY, so bella is mad at edward here, and this is how she makes back up w/ him.**

Lionheartlamb has logged in

Depressedluver has logged in

Lionheartlamb: yes?

Depressedluver: hmph.

Lionheartlamb: Bella, u can't get me on here just to ignore me--or say "hmph"

Depressedluver: hmph.

Lionheartlamb: Bella, why did u change ur username?

Depressedluver: hmph.

Lionheartlanb: Bella, _please talk to me!! _-whines-

Depressedluver: You_ ditched _me!!

Lionheartlamb: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! Emmett charged into my room and forced me to wrestle with him! I didn't mean to pick a fight, i only wanted hiim offline so we could talk alone!! -pouts-

Depressedluver: Say it.

Lionheartlamb: Say wut?

Depressedluver: Say _it._

Lionheartlamb: okay...I love you, baby.

Depressedluver: wait a moment.

Dr.fang has logged in

Mommamia has logged in

Rosepetals has logged in

ItsNotFluffItsMuscle has logged in

Jazzper has logged in

Fortuneshopper has logged in

Lionheartlamb: _!!_

Depressedluver: Say it

Lionheartlamb: Bella, _please _not in front of them!!

Depressedluver: Say it

Wolfgang has logged in **(Jacob)**

Berryblonde has logged in**(Tanya)**

Sexyhalfvampchik has logged on**(Renesmee)**

Sissy has logged in**(Kate)**

Bigbro has logged in**(Eleazar)**

Bigsis has logged in**(Carmen)**

Lionheartlamb: BELLA!! (

Volterrastar has logged in**(Aro)**

Forkeva has logged in**(Charlie)**

Sunny has logged in**(Renee)**

Lilleague has logged in**(Phil)**

ItsNotFluffItsMuscle: -laughs hysterically-

Roseptals: Emmett, babe, u didn't hav 2 say that. we already know ur laughing hysterically-it drowns everyone else out

Lionheartlamb: SHUT UP!!

Theman has logged in**(Sam)**

Brokenbabe has logged in**(Leia)**

Vampfan has logged in**(Seth)**

Thingone has logged in**(Embry)**

Thingtwo has logged in**(Quil)**

EmbrysAwesome has logged in**(Jared)**

Igotissuez has logged in**(Paul)**

HeresWolfie has logged in**(Colin)**

Dawgie has logged in**(Brady)**

Wolfgurl has logged in**(Emily)**

Lionheartlamb: BELLA HAVE MERCY!!

Wolfdad has logged in**(Billy)**

BigWhoop has logged in**(Marcus)**

Pain&Glory has logged in**(Jane)**

Uarentfeelingme has logged in**(Alec)**

Ucanthide has logged in**(Dimitri)**

Biggerthanu has logged in**(Felix)**

Berryblonde: this is too good

Pop4eva has logged in**(Jessica)**

jinglebells has logged in**(Mike)**

Dingdongbell has logged in**(Tyler)**

Izyluver has logged in**(Eric)**

Benang has logged in**(Angela)**

HatesBella has logged in**(Lauren)**

Lionheartlamb: ALRIGHT ILL SAY IT!!

Jazzper: -leans forward in anticipation-

Wolfgang: LOL

Lionheartlamb: I LOVE YOU, BABY!!

Depressedluver: keep going

Lionheartlamb: I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!

Depressedluver:-whistles tunelessly-

Forkeva: this is funny!!

Sunny: Charlie!

Lionheartlamb: I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!I LOVE YOU, BABY!!

**Poor Edward. btw, Bella ends up having him say it over and over for at least twenty-four hours. by then, all the witnesses got bored, but are still going to ridicule him about it for at least another century.**

**did u like it? I hope u did, though i didn't try hard on it. especially since i wrote it at like one in the morning.**

**REVIEW or be forced to say, "I love you baby" a hundred times by ur bf/gf in front of a whole lot of ppl.**


	7. Jared's gay

**Disclaimer: U hav already heard this before: TWILIGHT'S NOT MINE!!**

**this chappie is to explain why Jared's user name is Embrysawesome. it's kind of bad, so...yeah...here it is!!**

Embrysawesome has logged in

Bells has logged in

Embrysawesome: u changed ur username again?

Bells: yup

Embrysawesome: isn't this the third time?

Bells: how would you know that?

Embrysawesome: i hav my sources...

Bells: OMIGOD UR NOT SPYING ON ME, ARE YOU??

Embrysawesome: maybe, maybe not

Bells: -shudders-

Bells: ANYWAY, y do u hav to be so vain in choosing a username, Embry?

Embrysawesome: the subject didn't change much

Bells: _JUST ANSWER IT!!_

Embrysawesome: okay, okay! ...i'm not Embry, btw.

Bells:...ur not?

Embrysawesome: nope

Bells: did he imprint?

Embrysawsome: EEEEEWWW!! NO!! I'M NOT HIS IMPRINT!!

Bells: ...ur not? ...who r u?

Embrysawesome: JARED!!

Bells:...

Bells:...

Bells:..._Jared??_

Embrysawesome: YES!!

Bells: EEEEWWW!! ur gay!!

Embrysawesome: NO! it was a friggin bet!!

Bells:...do i want to know?

Embrysawesome: no, definitely not

Bells: okay...

Embrysawesome:...

Bells:...

Embrysawesome:...

Bells: I hav to...go...

Embrysawesome:...me too...bye

Bells: ya...bye

Bells has logged off

Embrysawesome: WHY DID I HAV TO TAKE THT BET!! _WHY??_

Embrysawesome has logged off

**Again, i did this one only to explain Jared's username to the good people of WhereEverYouAre. Yeah, 'kay. Until next time.-touches brim of non-existant hat-**


	8. Alice and Walmart

**Disclaimer: i don't own twilight.(be strong alice! be strong!!)**

**okay, so my friend said tht this was her fav of all that i've written, so im hoping u'll think so too.**

Fortuneshopper has logged in

Bells has logged in

Bells: hey, Alice, wut's up?

Fortuneshopper:so...bored...

Bells: tell me about it

Fortuneshopper: I swear! Bella, if it were possible for vampires to sleep, i'd sleep until i were so thirsty, id drink a hundred elephants b4 i was satisfied!

Bells: i hear ya

Eddie has logged in

Bells: oh, look! the sun is shining from behind the clouds!

Fortuneshopper: huh?

Bells: metaphor

Eddie: hate to burst ur bubble bells, but its not Ed. its Emmett

Bells: -gloom-

Fortuneshopper: WHY r u on Edwards account??

Eddie: 'cause i found out his password, and thought it'd b funny. this is actually disappointing. Anticlimactic

Fortuneshopper: whoa...

Eddie: I know, rite?

Fortuneshopper: U USED A BIG WORD!!

Eddie: HEY!

Bells: -GLOOM-

Eddie: we've gathered that

Bells: Emmett, go the fuck away I WANT EDWARD!!-gloom-

Eddie: Fine. i see how it is

Eddie has logged off

Fortuneshopper:...

Bells:...ed...ward...

Fortuneshopper: obsessed a bit?

Bells: i...want...my...ed...ward...

Fortuneshopper:-cough- freak. -cough-

Eddie has logged on

Bells: Edward?

Eddie: hey, sweet thang. 'sup, dawg

Fortuneshopper: Edward, don't try to act cool. u suk at it

Eddie: SHUT UP, PIXIE!!

Fortuneshopper: grr...u kno wut, im going to change my name and git back to u wit jazz

Fortuneshopper has logged off

Eddie: ding dong the pixie's gone. which pixe? SHUT UP, FOO!!

Bells: what the--

Eddie: sorry. it's something me and emmett created a while ago to bug her

Bells: ...emmett-snarls-...I created a robot once.

Eddie: oh?

Bells: when it first moved i screamed "IT'S ALIVE" at the top of my lungs with a totally awesome accent.

Eddie: ah

Jazzper has logged in

Jazzper: incoming 5

Jazzper: 4

Jazzper: 3

Jazzper: 2

Jazzper: 1

BetonAlice has logged in

BetonAlice: hey ppls!!

Bells: oookay, so Edward. will you ever teach me my lullaby on the piano?

Eddie: maybe later...

Jazzper: so bella, how's renesmee?

Bells: good

Jazzper: could u get her on?

Bells: no

Jazzper:...

Jazzper:...bcuz...?

Eddie: she's grounded. we caught her kissing Jacob -snarls at memory-

Jazzper: mm-hm, mm-hm, and...Bella, how do you feel about that?

Jazzper: wait. don't answer that bcuz i already know! -bursts out laughing-

Bells:...

Eddie:...

Bells:...that was very bad, Jasper

Eddie: a VERY bad joke, kid. better luck next time.

Jazzper: hey, im older than u in both ways.

Eddie: too bad. im older than u in a more important way

Jazzper:...which is...?

Eddie: maturity

Bells: Ooh! BURN!

BetonAlice: Hellooooo!?

Bells: o hi alice!

Jazzper: if u call holding ur hands over the fire a burn, ur crazy!

Bells: -cough, cough- bad comeback -cough, cough-

Jazzper: Bella?

Bells: yes?

Jazzper: shut up

Bells: okay

Jazzper: REALLY??

Bells:...

Eddie: No Bella, u dont hav to shut up

BetonAlice:ANYWAY...i had a vision...

Bells:...and...?

BetonAlice: we hav to go to Walmart

Bells: eh?

BetonAlice: Now

Bells: did she say wut I think she said?

Jazzper: Al, r u okay?

BetonAlice: hurry! we hav to go NOW!!

BetonAlice has logged off

Bells: -mystified-

Eddie: -mystified-

Jazzper: -mystified-

Bells: Alice _never _shops at walmart

Eddie: I know

Jazzper has logged off

Bells: lurve ya babe

Eddie: im scared, but i lurve ya too

Bells: WHA--?

Eddie has logged off

Bells: my boyfriend is not a coward. MYBOYFRIENDISNOTACOWARD!!

Bells has logged off

**yea...the part about edward being scared and all after was something i did two seconds ago. totally not planned. totally an impulse sort-of-thing. totally not funny.**

**the next chappie will be in normal writing in bellas POV. hope u like it**

**yes, this story will hav my fav things: walmart pranks, pranks, notes, chats, etc. theyre not story-storys, but theyre funny, so i enjoy writing them as much as reading them.**

**this is not the last chappie in chat form, jus' sos ya know.**

**REVIEW! Its not as fun with only one loyal reviewer!(i lurve ya btw, Techno-poet.) i need mor reviewers!**


	9. Saga horror

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight.(boring rite? this is my revenge on having to do this.) XX**

**Please dont get mad at me if it's bad, and I sorry I haven't updated in so long; im not too good at sticking to one thing for a while. **

**WOO!! It is officially Fall Break, so there is a chanse that I will update more for the next two weeks. (if there's anyone who has a problem w/ tht, deal.)**

I couldn't believe everyone was following throught with this. Surely at least Jasper should know better. Jasper her _husband._ Jasper the guy that's been with her the longest. I only gave in because of Edward. _My _Edward.

He stared at Alice's back as she skipped into the backseat of the volvo, Jazz behind her, with a peculiar expression on his face.

"Edward, what is it?" I murmured quietly and quickly enough that the two could not hear through the car door.

"Alice is reciting the Ode to Joy in Latin in her head."

That wasn't good. Alice was keeping something from us. She knew something we didn't.

I stopped breathing as I sat in the passenger seat. I watched Alice's concentrated expression in the side mirror, suspiciously.

Suddenly the look disappeared, and was replaced with ecstacy. Edward winced beside me just before Alice started screaming.

"WE'RE GOING ON A FIELDTRIP! WE'RE GOING ON A FIELDTRIP!" she sang, and kept screaming at a painfully loud volume as we got on the interstate.

"Alice!" I moaned, covering my ears. To my dismay, I could still hear her, and it still hurt my ears as she crescendoed. I gave Jasper a meaningful glare, and suddenly I was hit with a wrecking ball saturated in a lust so strong it nearly overwhelmed me. Alice's lips attacked his so hard I heard her slam into him like two boulders in an avalanche. My eyes drifted to Edward and I fought the urge to start hyperventilating. His eyes mirroed mine, and I laughed shakily.

"Just like old times, huh?" I giggled. He grinned, stunningly, breathlessly beautiful.

I had to look away but I only lasted a fraction of a second.

_Control yourself!_ I commanded myself silently.

"Quickly," my angel said.

Our lips met passionately for a second, and then it was pulling two _very _strong magnets apart.

Edward groaned-very sexily-and muttered, "Jasper, I don't know whether to call you a blessing or a curse." I moaned internally at his sexiness and clutched my seat for dear life trying vainly to loosen my fingers so as not to kill the seat.

It died.

Edward sped up to maybe two hundred miles an hour, and the next five minutes were agony.

Finally, _finally_, we reached Seatle Walmart, and my lips rammed into Edward's. It felt as if the sheer magnitude of our passion should explode the entire city.

The wrecking ball disappeared.

Jasper laughed. "Bella, you might have to replace that seat."

We kept kissing.

"Dude," Jasper said, a little grossed out.

Alice got out, Jasper behind her.

I heard the familiar sound of the mercedes horn, and I heard Emmett's booming laugh. I only heard that, and then I was completely absorbed in the kiss, though I thought I heard Jasper say, "See? My ability is not always the reason with them."

Finally, Edward pulled away reluctantly, and a second later, I met him around the car to hold his hand, and lean my head on his shoulder.

"Oookay," Emmett said eagerly as we walked through the doors. "What are we doing here Alice?" He thought there was going to be action. Typical. For all we knew, Alice had seen a set of cute clothes she wanted us to witness.

She walked passed the clothes without a glance, us following with matching mystified expressions. I fidgeted nervously.

She led us to the book section, and my eyebrows shot up.

She pointed to a certain book below a sign saying "Bestsellers." A black book wth two white hands holding a red apple. The title was one word: Twilight. I wondered why Alice would drop what she was doing(planning a glamorous third honeymoon for me and Edward) just to show us a popular book.

I looked at Edward to see his mouth gaping open.

"OH MY GAWD!" someone screamed, almost laughing. "IT'S THE CULLENS!!" I looked over to see a girl my age clutching her friend's arm, staring at us. Both girls were gaping in a mocking manner.

"Edward!" the other cat-called. My anger spiked as she addressed him. "Forget Bella. Come over here and we'll give you something REAL good. Much better than a blood siren." I froze. They laughed and the first girl said something to the other girl that would have made my blood run cold if it were still there.

"Vampire wannabe's."

"Yeah, you'd get something out of it too!" Alice said back, cleverly hiding her horror. "You'd get loss of blood!" The three of them laughed, Alice playing along. I saw Edward nick three of the books in such a way that they could not see.

We walked away, carefully casual, and I heard one of the girls say, "Freaks. The Cullens are too extravagant for Walmart to go here. Every Twilight fan knows that."

Man, was _she_ wrong.

We were out the door and in the separate cars before the detector thingamagigs could beep. Emmett had gotten a copy, and Jacob had gotten a copy.

I flipped through the book, steadily more horrified, though I did not have to read it--it was all correct--down to the last emotion.

I wordlessly gave the book to Edward who passed it to Jasper without looking at it. His eyes were on my face tenderly, shining brilliantly, though his expression was grim. His eyes grew brighter as Alice flipped through the book.

She dropped it in my lap over the chair, and I put it on the dashboard, my face hot.

"New Moon," she murmured, just loud enough that the others in the separate cars could hear, "is next. Then, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn."

"Ooh! Someone's been watching us!" Emmett panicked.

"No," Rosalie corrected. "They've been watching Bella." The way she said it was almost an accusation, as if I was at fault people knew about vampires. I pretended not to hear it.

A growl rumbled deep in Edward's chest, and I thought I heard something similar in the m3. I nudged Edward with my elbow disapprovingly. "Stop it!" I murmured. I glanced reluctantly over at Rosalie to see that she seemed to be arguing quietly with Emmett, her mouth moving quickly, her expression angry. Carlisle and Esme were looking uncomfortable in the front seat.

Alice got out and left and came back with nine black books in her hands. (I wondered vaguely if this Meyer was Emo) I watched her put three on the hood of the mercedes, and the m3, and bring three back in the volvo. I heard in the distance, the detectors beep.

I grabbed New Moon, handed it back, then Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I froze on the part where me and Edward were on the island, and my face would have been scarlet if I were still human. Would this Meyer really give us the indignity to detail my sex life as others have done in the past? I flipped through rapidly, relieved when she didn't and soon later horrified when I reached book two. I snuck a few peeks at Jacob, engrossed in the book, grimacing, every now and then.

I shucked it to Jasper in the backseat, and closed my eyes, rubbing my temples.

"Bella," Edward said. He didn't like to see me suffer the well-deserved suffering. I had torchered Jacob, but I couldn't help but remember how much I _needed _him there with me. Edward's arms wrapped around myy waist, and he pulled me close. I buried my face in his chest and groaned.

There was an excrutiatingly long silence.

Emmett broke it. "I have an idea."

**No. This was not a funny chapter, but it was good right? At all? Even slightly? The next few chapters are going to have classy Walmart pranks, so I need your help. Can you do that for me? **

**Btw, the last chapter is not the last chapter in chat form. Remember, this is a hybrid story, so it will have ALL that stuff. Good idea or no? **


	10. forced glee aside dot dot dot

**Hey pplz. I'm sooooooo so sorry i haven't updated but ive bin like grounded for like two like weeks(making fun of myself, sorry) and like I haven't been like able to like get back like on sooooooooo im like soooo sorrry. (crap. that last "like" was unintentional...crap.) In doing this chapter I am also lamenting for not being able to go see Twilight until like tomorrow and it's SATURDAY, the day AFTER it came out!!! -fume- and both my freakin parents are in GAINESFREAKINBORO!!! no, im totally not depressed and going like emo for having to wait out ANOTHER day after ive been waiting already for MONTHS!!!!! -gasp--gasp--gasp- Anyway, here's my continuation, so I hope you like it and read more and read and review unlike _someone_. -cough-Killian-COUGH-**

**grr**

**so, pray that my mom will not find yet another excuse not to go see Twilight wit me...coward. God, you've GOT to face the fury SOMEZTZIME _mom._**

**Disclaimer: Okay. The disclaimer is like going in the summary frum now on bc this is getting old.**

When we finally stopped, I looked up to see...Walmart. _Huh?_

"What are we doing here?" I asked Edward. At least it was a _different _Walmart then the other.

"Emmett wants to play. Walmart pranks, you know."

"You can't see me," I groaned, sinking further into the seat.

"C'mon, Bella. It'll be fun!" he insisted. Oh, so he was perfectly fine with publical pranks. I see how it is.

"Sure," I muttered.

"_Trust me,_ Bella. You'll have fun!" Alice said.

"You keep believing that, Alice, see how far you get." I'm dead set on not participating. She couldn't possibly see anything.

I could feel her basilisk glare without looking. "You _will _have fun." Her tone was demonic.

"Whatever Alice, I'm not participating."

"Bella..." Edward said slowly, as if letting his total guilt trip sink in. "I don't want to go without you, and it's been _so long _since I've done this sort of thing, but I'll stay with you even though even _Carlisle _and _Esme _are doing it."

I smiled slyly at him. "You won't suffer long."

Alice gagged.

"Bella," Edward came to the threat. "If you don't come without force, I will personally drag you inside."

"Not with knowing the games we could play all alone in _here,_" I played dirty. Edward drew in a jagged breath before composing his expression into a grin.

"Plenty of time for that later. Now we need to have some good family bonding. Come on, Bella, you don't want to suffer the indignity of having a place on my shoulder, do you?"

I crossed my arms stubbornly, and stared at a cloud determinedly.

Five seconds later I was half on one side of Edward, half on the other--after all, I wasn't a newborn anymore. He was stronger than me now. I sighed as my arms hung limply. I had tried everything--smacking his butt multiple times, kicking, screaming, even grabbing hold of a car, but eventually we were all behind Walmart and I--very _extremely _reluctantly--was still...on the shoulder...of my hundred and something-year-old-boyfriend.

Alice had gone in to get disguises.

"It's okay, little sis," Emmett chuckled. "I just hope you're not a sore loser." I pushed my upper body away from Edward--making me horizontal--to get a better view of my teddy-bear bro.

"And _what _would I lose in, _dear brother_?" I asked suspiciously.

"It's a game--"

"Whoever comes up with the most best pranks wins," Alice interrupted, appearing out of thin air. She held some spray cans and something that looked suspiciously like scissors. "There are as many rounds as you can fit into twenty-four hours."

"Alice, where are the disguises?" I asked suspiciously.(hmm, im overusing 'suspicious.'...crap.)

"I thought it'd be cool if we all had different looks. I was thinking your hair could be short with multi-layered tips and blue streaks."

"_WHAT!!!_" both me and Rosalie shrieked simultaneously.

"Alice, you are _so not touching my hair!!!_" Rose hissed murderously.

"Rose, don't be difficult. Your hair will only be a tad shorter with brown highlights."

"_Ew_! No way! _I will not stand by while you put the color of shit in my beautiful hair! I will not be seen in public with hair the color of shit like Bella's!_"

"HEY!"

"Hey," Rosalie replied as if I were greeting the ditz.

"Eeeexcuse me?"

"Nothing!"

In a span of five minutes behind Walmart, Alice had made me look--in my opinion--like a slut, Rosalie look like the human angel she's the opposite of, straightened Emmett's hair over his eyes dyeing it blond, pulled Esme's hair into a ponytail with a single red streak, made Carlisle grumpily brunette ignoring his "but blondes have more fun" complaints, combed and browned Edward's hair, gave Renesmee a ponytail with bangs to her nose,(that's _all _I would let her do) cut Jake's hair neatly, and smoothed her own hair down.

I noticed she did nothing to Jasper's hair.

Then she did make-up and gave us contacts and we looked like run-away model humans.

Alice still scrutinized us. "Alice, no more. We look more than enough human," I groaned.

"Yeah, let's get prankin'!" Emmettt cried out in exultation.

Just inside a set of doors, we grouped to plan, completely blocking the entrance.

"I'll ref," Esme said immediately.

"I'll keep score," Carlisle agreed.

"Okay. We'll record our pranks and compare tonight," Alice said, handing out three cameras, keeping one. One to me, one to Rose, one to Jake. Then began discussing rules and such. "No mortal harm may befall a human, no permanent harm may befall the store, no copying and claiming another's idea..." The list went on and _on._ Good thing I had a good memory!

A granny and what looked to be her daughter came up to the entrance. "Mom, they look busy. Let's go in the other door," the daughter said tugging on Granny's arm gently.

"Laura, if I wanted to block the traffic of all the good people coming out I would go in the exit, but I have no intentions in doing so," Granny said tightly despite the current lack of customers leaving. We ignored the two despite their repetetive use of "excuse me."

Suddenly Jasper uttered a girlish shriek.

Granny had tapped his shoulder and was now clutching her heart, eyes wide with fright. "Oh dear. I'm sorry to have startled you, but I would like to pass."

"Is there not another entrance?" he demanded.

"Well, I--"

"_BOO!_" our ten voices screamed. Granny shrieked and staggered back a few steps.

"I--I guess w-we c-c-can use th-the other en-en-en-entrance," she stammered and walked off at a pace faster than a fit human.

As she walked off quickly, her back to us, her daughter turned and gave uss the finger. How rude!

"We love you too!" Alice called after her. We all burst ou laughing.

"Th-that was m-mean," I said between hysteric giggles. Edward just shrugged.

Suddenly I saw something spark in Emmett's eyes. He whispered something into Rosalie's ear who, in response, grinned and they hurried off. Without warning, Jasper and Alice were gone. Jake slung a protesting Renesmee into his arms and they were gone. Carlisle and Esme went who-knows-where murmuring about somewhere to speculate, and me and Edward were alone.

Alice was going to get what she wanted.

I gasped in recognition and jumped to whisper in Edward's ear.

I had an idea.

**Yay. For now, I think this is a good chapter(thought subject to change) and I hope you like it as much as I do right now...hopefully more...**

**Srsly Killian. Scold me for not reading and reviewing urs and then not touching mine. Sheesh!**


	11. Yarn, Gum, and Evil Penguins!

**Srry, guys. Me and my mom don't get along and I hav a big mouth. Grounded. Tht whole time.X_X here's the next chapter!**

I had an idea.

There will be gum.

There will be yarn.

There will be evil penguins.

I whispered the plan into Edward's ear. His eyebrows went up and he snickered. "We're gonna need a lot of gum."

"Well, this _is _Walmart," I pointed out.

"We'll end up tasting it."

"We'll be sacrificing our tastebuds for a noble cause. And our stomachs," I said solemnly.

"I'll get the gum," he said.

"I'll clear the aisle of people," I replied.

I ran to the targeted aisle, feigning mortal terror. I stopped at the end, facing a couple of grannies feeling different yarns. "Help!" I cried, grasping the closest one's arm. "The evil penguins are out t-to get me! Th-they're coming for me!"

She looked at me curiously. "I'm sorry dear," she said. "I can't hear you. Speak up."

"THE EVIL PENGUINS ARE COMING!" I screamed. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" They stared, eyes full of pity and alarm. They didn't move.

"Why don't you go home and rest, dearie,"she said, concerned.

"NO! TH-THEY'RE COMING!!" I froze as if hearing something she didn't. I spun around. "THEY'RE HERE! RUUUUUUUUN!!!!"

A little penguin doll slowly glided to the center of the end of the aisle and turned to us.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" the grannies screamed. They could not see the fishing line pulling the doll.

"Thanks, baby," I told Edward who now stood beside me. "They thought I was crazy."

"I know." He tapped his temple. I looked down at the fat little penguin, a lightbulb going on over my head.

"That could be of use." I'd originally planned for it only to be an excuse for the people to flee...but it could be used again...

"First thing's first," he said pulling out a heck of a lot of gum from who-knows-where. "There is more nearby."

I sniffed to see if I could smell its general direction.

WHAM!!

"Ugh!" I gasped, covering my nose. Soaps. I smelled a heck of a lot of soaps and..._cologne_? What?

"Emmett and Rosalie," he explained.

I shuddered. "_Ugh_!"

"I know."

I shuddered again and grabbed a pack of gum, shoving fifteen pieces of gum into my mouth.

I grimaced.

I saw Edward shove two packs in his mouth as I chomped as fast as I could. As a human, it would take all my speed and jaw strength to chew once in ten seconds. With vampire speed and strength I achieved it in half a second.

Edward achieved in a fifth of a second.

While we chomped, I heard a lot of commotion all around us. There were loads of screams and what sounded like Jake and Renesmee acting like a couple of crazed maniacs. There were giggles in that general direction and grunts of disapproval. Fail. I heard, "Clean-up in aisle three" on the intercom in a voice suspiciously like Emmett's, and--oh yes--a _lot _of laughing.

We could not wait for the videos when we got home.

I removed three balls of bloody-red yarn before we covered the rest in gum.

In thirty long minutes, the entire aisle was covered in gooey, sticky gum. It was a multi-colored hell.

With the red yarn, I wrote out in cursive in very large letters, "THE EVIL PENGUINS ARE COMING TO GET YOU." With the remaining yarn, I hung the penguin doll from the ceiling, low enough that it could brush the top of my head.

"It's finally ready," Edward groaned, gagging. He took out the video camera. We jumped to the ceiling and began taping the mess, zooming in on people who might stop, narrating the whole time. It looked like Jacob and Renesmee were done with their prank, apparently hiding from human eyes. Alice and Jasper also appeared to be done, taping each other making funny faces. I couldn't see Rosalie or Emmett anywhere on the ground, but I could see a cataclysmic disaster of the shampoo aisle that hurt just to look at. Emmett caught my eye from the roof level to me and Edward. He winked at me, and then he and Edward shared a private moment.

"Bella," Edward said. "Look." He pointed to a woman coming down the aisle looking ready to turn the corner into the yarn aisle. I focused the camera on her as an evil chuckle slid through my lips. She was maybe twenty something with dirty-blond hair. She turned into the aisle...

...and froze.

Her eyes could not be wider. I sent Edward away, and two seconds later--after I was sure she'd read the message--on the intercom...

"_BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!_"

It hurt my ears it was so loud, and the woman's screams were not the only ones heard.

Chaos reigned.

A loud evil laugh escaped my lips this time as I watched two people slam headlong into each other, both knocked unconscious.

**That was fun. Do you think I should go on to the next round of pranks or do different point-of-views, like Emmett, Jasper, and Renesmee?**


	12. Smelly Disaster!

**Hey guys! I got sucked an hour and a half away from internet from the day after Christmas to New Year's, and before that, we were getting ready for Christmas, sooo...**

**Because I luv you guys, here's Emmett's and Rosalie's prank.**

"Th-that was m-mean," Bella says between giggles. Edward shrugged in response.

Rosalie flung her hair back and her scent flew into my nose. It gave me a smelly idea. I felt as though I would laugh just _thinking _about it. The other pranks would have no chance against this one. They wouldn't anyway, but this would be _awesome_!

I leaned to whisper in Rosalie's ear, low and fast enough, the others couldn't hear. She grinned and she made a beeline for the cologne. I, went for the shampoo aisle. Rose's favorite in the whole store.

Ignoring the teenager and the older chick in the aisle, I grabbed the nearest shampoo--coconut-scented--and opened it. I recoiled a little from the soapy, artificial smell, but turned it over and squeezed, at the same time grabbing another soap.

"Hey, uh, what are you doing?" the teenager asked.

"You'll want to hurry and choose your shampoo now, missy," I giggled, my voice high, like a girl's. She blinked and turned away. She casually grabbed a shampoo bottle and strolled out of the aisle. The old chick just left with only a glance. I grabbed another bottle and another.

Finally Rose returned, carrying oodles of perfumes and colognes in her arms. "Took you long enough," I muttered.

"I love you too," she replied, and opened a few, letting them drip out. She gasped. "I can't breathe!" she wheezed. It was probably the most beautiful wheeze in the world.

"You'll get used to it."

"Like I got used to that mutt?"

"Not...exactly..." Suddenly she began to giggle.

"This is going to be awesome."

But by the time all the cologne bottles and shampoos were empty, neither of us were satisfied. I looked at Rose, and she looked back. A slow grin spread across our faces.

"I'll get lotions," she said.

"I'll get liquid foundation," I replied. She giggled again.

Soon the store was void of anything that _supposedly _smelled good to humans. The aisle was a bubbly, gooey, stinky mess. Rose nodded once to me, and I left to go to the intercom.

"Clean-up on aisle three!" I said for the whole store to hear. I jumped to the rafters where Rose was already with the camera. I looked around at the ground where people screamed and waited for someone to check on the aisle--it took a long time.

Thirty minutes. Finally an employee with a mop and a bucket came to clean whatever mess there was up. "Not gonna be enough, little man," I squeaked in that same girlish voice as earlier. "Ready the fans Rose."

"No, Emmett, _you _ready the fans. _I'm _filming a video."

"I can!"

"No, you can't! Go! Or it'll be too late!" I grumbled as I turned the fans on. Just as the fans picked up speed, the employee turned into the aisle. Perfect timing.

Her eyes focused on the mess just as the wave began. The fans weren't weak fans. On the contrary, they were just powerful enough to create a tidal wave larger than her. She screamed, but it seemed her thoughts were scrambled enough so that she did not run. This was better than I had planned!

I looked up in time to catch Bella's eye just as she looked up from our own disaster zone, and winked. I looked at Edward to warn with my thoughts of the coming tidal waves. He nodded slightly with a sort of grim expression.

He looked back at the ground and said, "Bella, look." I looked at their aisle and giggled a little. It was absolutely covered in gum, and a little penguin doll hung from the roof. That would be an interesting video to see. I hoped they got a good taste of that gum. They'll be puking it up later.

The wave hit the girl, and, still in full power, began to rampage through the store.

"_BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!_"

People screamed louder than ever as Edward's voice echoed. I watched as one guy slipped on our own pooling mess and collide into ten conveniently placed employees trying desperately to fix the Cullen Catastrophe, knocking them all down like bowling pins.

The chaos pulsed through me like adrenaline and my booming manically malicious laugh echoed more than Edward's word on the intercom.

Another wave and another, the second bigger and faster than the one before it. Within minutes, all Cullens were in the rafters, Jacob too, and all humans were covered in unrecognizable liquidy stuff. I caught Jasper's eye and he grinned back triumphantly--as if he were the one to win...

**Lol. What was Jasper and Alice's prank? You won't know until after Jacob and Renesmee's kid-friendly, failing prank. Lol, I'm so mean.**

**Aw, man! This is FUN! Hope it makes you just as slap-happy as me. If it does, for shit, REVIEW!**


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